Directory of Lost Causes

I've heard about something called 'the signs', but I've never had the faintest clue what 'the signs' actually are. This article, about dating, purports to tell us.

I'm bored, and worthless, so I'll go through them one by one:

1)Your date says your name more than usual.

This is interesting. I've always been very sensitive about my name, so I think if someone said my name more than usual, I'd just try to blank it out, as if it were a trauma of some kind. Especially if it was something like this:

Or maybe your date says just your first name three times, like “Kirsty, Kirsty, Kirsty.”

No! No! Please don't say my name three times in a row for no reason. I don't think I could handle that.

Or there's this:

Maybe your date says your first and last name, like, “So, Michael Stevens, you up for a night cap after dinner?”

If anyone said to me, "So, Quentin Crisp, you up for a night cap?" I think I'd have to say, "Are you taking the piss? Leave me alone. What have I ever done to you?" And so on.

Conversely, if we conjecture about a kind of science fiction scenario in which someone wanted to discover 'the signs' in me, and thought this (saying the person's name) was one of them, even if I was really keen on that person, I would never, ever use a person's name to address them aloud (as opposed to in writing), unless forced to by circumstance, because they were about to be hit by a bus or something.

2)Your date squints at you.

If we posit the same science fiction scenario again, well, I actually squint at people quite often. I have very bad eyesight. So all sorts of comic misunderstandings might follow. Heaven knows how many people I have unwittingly been bombarding with 'the signs' in this way, who have, no doubt, shunned me afterwards, when, rather than assuming attraction, they should have been assuming that I wasn't quite sure if I knew them or not. If someone squinted at me I suppose I would assume the same - that they hadn't quite placed who I was. Or else I would think that they wanted to screen the worst of my ugliness from their vision, but thought it would be rude simply to conduct a conversation with closed eyes.

3)Your date asks the “why” and “how” questions.

Now, examples given of "why" and "how" questions that apparently are a step beyond mere politeness include, “So, how did you get interested in accounting anyway?”

Well, that is quite a question, I must admit. How the FUCK did you get interested in accounting, for God's sake? Are you fucking MAD?!

But... I honestly don't think that indicates attraction. Do you? Maybe if you've spent the last ten years in a monastery, and everyone you've known in those ten years has been strict in keeping a vow of silence, a question like that might seem tempestuous and steamy, but I think I could quite find it within myself to ask such a question in the spirit of bored politeness. I must say, I really am beginning to wonder, and worry, about the kind of conversations that the author of this article has.

4)Your date gets quiet midway through your time together.

Now, if you were on a so-called 'date' with me, I am fairly certain that you'd find that I not only got quiet midway through our time together, but that the silence started quite early on. From about after we'd said hello, in fact. I've noticed this pattern. In fact, you can expect lashings of silence. But now you know, it doesn't mean I've lost interest. I hope you find that thought arousing in some obscure way.

5)You hear “you’re” a lot.

"You're", apparently, is more personal than "that's". I can't help but agree with this. "You're pathetic" always sounds just a tad more hurtful to me than just, "That's pathetic".

6)Your date gives you a token of the evening.

Jennifer’s date once picked up a pack of matches from the restaurant they were in and said, “Here, for you.”

Who the fuck's Jennifer? Have we been introduced? You don't mention Jennifer throughout the whole article, and now, right at the end, you pull Jennifer out of the hat. Why do we need to know about Jennifer and her psycho arsonist dates? I don't get it. This article has taken a decidedly sinister turn. Does it mean that one of 'the signs' is monomania? Is it about moths to flames? I don't understand. I suppose this is something you only understand if you're one of the initiated.

I really shouldn't be reading this kind of article. Sorry. There are, actually, other things I really should be doing. Sorry.